Fragile
Day 5An unsettling text put my mind in turmoil
I sent a text and received an unexpected reply. It was very disturbing to read “fragile.” Clearly, I did not understand your psyche. This, despite the fact that in your email that you wrote “keeping our relationship platonic saves me from being vulnerable, getting too close, becoming needy, getting into a state where I fear abandonment.”
Humbling
Frankly, becoming needy was not a manifestation I expected. As you say, you had just let your guard down. I thought, therefore, that you had worked your way through those issues before doing so. Even when we became intimate, you seemed more comfortable and in control than me. Instead, it seems lowering the guard was a leap of faith. Which is humbling.
You have filled a void in my life, in my being, that I never realized existed until recently. These needs are a two-way thing, but I think perhaps they are different needs. My need is to ensure the void remains filled, to retain these feelings that I just love experiencing. You are the only person who can fill that void. You are the only one I want to fill that void.
I want to grow old with you. (Really, really old) →
A text
An unexpected response
Internalisation
Spiralling in to dark thoughts
Yes, you are vulnerable. I need to be cognisant of that and I have not been. For me, you cannot be too close. If you need me, I welcome that dependence. I want you to outgrow it, but I welcome it while it’s here. However, I never want you to be afraid of abandonment. I so badly want to hold you close, hold you tight, try to reassure you with my touch that abandoning you is something that is never, ever, going to happen. Instead, I have mere words to use.
You are my heart, and I am with you for as long as you want.
The province of youth
It is quite comical, in an ironic way: I have shielded myself from matters of the heart for the longest time and almost the moment I re-enter a full life, I have concerns about you withdrawing from me. Why are matters of the heart so difficult? Shouldn’t that be the province of youth, with all its inexperience? ↓
Fear began to move
As the day progressed without hearing anything from you, I did the only thing I could do: speculate. My sadness deepened in the evening with still no contact and I considered the possibility of outcomes I didn’t want. I could feel fear uncoiling inside. I tried to think of other reasons why you might not reach out to me. Eventually, around 0600, I decided I should go to bed. The dark doesn’t help. It just emphasizes the isolation. Don’t have to worry about that now. It’s light.
(psst I’ve read this but don’t tell Tim, so much processing to do, so humbling to read)