Looking Back
Day 10A gentle prompt to do some homework. And let you see it.
You have the most amazing eyes. I have used this image of you because for some reason, as I was going through the downloads from facebook, this one jumped out. I think it may have had something to do with the soft focus. Whatever the reason, your eyes just seemed to look right into mine and looked full of love. You are very photogenic.
The past three days have been humdrum. Just the kind of mundane stuff that I am happy to discard from my memory banks and you seem to like. You’re weird like that. All those humdrum details I have put in an email to you. They don’t belong here.
It was all about me
Following my near meltdown in reaction to your own shadow hijacking, I did very little self-analysis. I was aware of how I felt, but I didn’t analyse those feelings. I was aware of the fear, the insecurity, but didn’t care to track the source. Considering my reactions as being rooted anywhere other than in my conscious is not something I have ever done by myself, so despite all our talk about shadow work, I am a poor practitioner of inner exploration.
There was an egocentricity that stopped me considering what you were going through. It was all about me. You didn’t want to talk, therefore you were rejecting me. You were re-considering our relationship. All because I hadn’t sent a text for over 24 hours. At least, that was the shallow extent of my thinking and that’s what I was reacting to. I didn’t even think for a moment that such a reaction by you might possibly be considered a little unreasonable. Neither did I consider that you were unmasking your own past.
Grateful recovery
Avoiding the lesson
Scratching the surface
Seeing the hidden trapdoor
Had I briefly thought about it, perhaps I would have thought that in double-quick time, you were doing what Shirley had done 20 years ago. As soon as I bring my heart out of the cupboard for some fresh air, it gets sliced open again. Like second childbirths -I’m told – as soon as the pain starts again, the memories all come back in a rush. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t want to think about it. Perhaps I didn’t want to remember the pain. Or perhaps I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t as healed as I thought I was.
Like a dog worrying a bone
Today, you suggested I look back, seek the source. So I did. And perhaps I found it. However, if I have, I know I haven’t reconciled it yet. My question, then, is: Should I tell you what I think I uncovered before I have fully confronted the shadow (as I think it may be), or should I do that work before telling you?
I will go to bed to read now, then go to sleep with this sitting in the back of my mind, allowing my subconscious to worry it like a dog with a bone, and see if I come up with anything by morning. And I’ll look forward to some form of message from you then.
Fuck that. I just lost all my reply – can you see it somewhere?
That comment, in light of the post, is as funny as a fit. If it was in a movie, people would be laughing uproariously.
Nope. Can’t see it anywhere.
2nd read. It didn’t dawn on me that you might or would feel rejected by my own Shadow exposure. Spiritual partnership at play- I was wounded, reacted, causing a reaction in you. Both of us vulnerable.
It was only when you referenced, briefly, your feelings in response that I realised you felt I was rejecting you. Of course I wasn’t. You know that.
I knew immediately I was bringing up Shirley wounds. Deep, painful; best kept in the box, you might think. But no.
However, what we know is this: rejection came earlier.
Shirley exacerbated the wound. Put additional scarring into it.
I’ll hold you. We, you and me, have a solid open-eyed foundation, never will we suddenly part. There will always be deep communication. Yes, we may disagree, fight, dislike each other, be volatile but always we are connected. ❤️ If we separate it will be because we both choose that and know our growth together is complete. Hard to imagine.
I am blessed, lucky is so the wrong word. You are my dearest and most loved of all my friends. So, You know how important you must be.
Share everything you feel safe to share. I’ll do the same.
I’d like to make love to you outside in the fresh air one day.
I would be so freaked out by that – I AM English, don’t forget !
You’re freaked out by the thought, but your thoughts, I’m guessing, are probably about being “caught.”
Just imagine, though, your skin being kissed by a warm sun and caressed by a gentle breeze. Think about connecting with the earth. Just imagine.
As usual, I think you are right. It would only be the idea of being caught.
Just sharing.
In my mind I’ve answered about shadow sharing / uncovering in the last paragraph.
“Today, you suggested I look back, seek the source. So I did. And perhaps I found it. However, if I have, I know I haven’t reconciled it yet. My question, then, is: Should I tell you what I think I uncovered before I have fully confronted the shadow (as I think it may be), or should I do that work before telling you?”
Do you feel that you have had a reply to this paragraph?
No, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve already been thinking about it from time to time. Ruminating. Cogitating. Pondering.