Testing Relationships
Day 13Bonds can be forged in the fire of personal challenges
You somehow misplaced a comment on my last post, substituting one of frustration and causing me much merriment. I’m still waiting for you to comment again, especially as I am seeking your thoughts before proceeding any further with my own thoughts, feelings and discoveries of my post-meltdown period. Until then, I am going to address your “drizzly day” email.
“So either I am rigid in my view/perspective no matter what angle I see life from or Life is the same no matter how you look at it.”
Those are two obvious and, likely, valid conclusions. However, perhaps they are not the only two. Could there be some other interpretation you could draw? Does it really come down to either/or?
“I was reflecting on how sad/heavy I felt when we finished our phone call….and realising how interesting it is that we – presuming you can too – have the ability to feel our heart: light, heavy, broken, expanded.”
You presume correctly. Happily for me, I didn’t feel heavy. On the contrary, speaking to you had buoyed me, and the brief sadness I felt that our call had ended was brushed aside by the joy of hearing your voice and the recollection of our discussions.
“You travelled with fam on the cat in the Whitsundays years ago and you were not incommunicado. I was a bit shitty about it”
I had no idea. Have you told me that before? If so, I don’t recall it. I wonder what that says about our (one-way) relationship at the time and your shadow that lurked beneath. Have you considered that? What do you think?
Your questions and comments about and around Shirley were eye opening for me. I don’t think I had considered any of them before. Yet they are understandable, given the circumstances and particularly in light of the background info. →
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“At some point, I would like you to mention me”
I have mentioned your name casually and naturally in conversation with Shirley a couple of times. She hasn’t picked up on it at all. Or, if she did, she hasn’t made any comment.
A few years ago – maybe 9 or 10 – I was forwarding and copying messages to a few people that had to do with Port Adelaide. I know Shirley likes to take the piss out of them at every opportunity, so she was one of the people copied in. Moya must have hit “reply all” and sent one asking a question of Tim and Joy, which Shirley received. In Moya’s circle of friends, only Joy and I were Port supporters, which is why we were named. Shortly thereafter, Shirley sent me an email containing only three words: “Tim and Joy?”
After all this time, maybe she thinks I am never going to enter another relationship. It’s a reasonable assumption. But I don’t know what she thinks. I have no idea.
The question I have for you is, do you want me to just keep mentioning you casually, or did you mean that you’d like me to mention you as a special friend, or as a partner?
When I first read your request, my immediate thought was ‘why would Jessica want me to mention her?’ Is it a test? And if so, a test of what? But these were thoughts. I had no physical response. And I have no qualms about it. If Shirley doesn’t know, it doesn’t bother me. If Shirley knows, that doesn’t bother me, either. If I don’t tell her now and she finds out down the track, will she ask why I didn’t tell her earlier? I doubt it. We’re old friends and good friends, but we’re not close. There is no reason why she should know. We don’t exchange that kind of information about our lives. I think the only reason I know so much about her situation is that I’ve asked her. I can’t recall her volunteering a lot of information. She didn’t tell me about meeting William. When I first met him, she introduced him, but not as a partner. She didn’t tell me when they moved in together. →
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Dreams
Getting testy
Skirting the issue
Background story
You said that we were both skirting around the issue. From my perspective, for the first housesit, I found it strange that I would be in Shirley’s bed. I felt a little weird when Shirley told me that’s where I’d be (which was after I got there), but put her reasoning down to the dogs! One of them always sleeps on her bed and the other one always comes in in the morning to wake her. I just figured she wanted to keep a routine for them. So much of her life revolves around her dogs – which she refers to as fur babies – and I wouldn’t be house sitting there if it wasn’t for them.
Once they had left, it didn’t feel too weird as I didn’t give it any thought. Perhaps I was deliberately not giving it any thought. Either way, sleeping there didn’t stir any feelings of nostalgia, resurrect longing or anything along those lines.
This time, I just assumed I would be in the same bed as last time. As soon as I was given a choice, I wanted to jump at the alternative, but didn’t want to appear eager, nor inconvenience anyone. When she let me know it wouldn’t bother William and would actually suit her better, I opted for William’s room.
“I wonder if you think you know what she thinks and if you are correct”
What she really thinks about the bed thing, I have absolutely no idea. She hasn’t said anything to give me a clue. At least, none that I’ve picked up on. To be fair, it hasn’t been on my radar, so I haven’t been looking for any clues.
What she thinks or feels about me, I don’t know. I have assumed for years that she looks at me as nothing more than an old friend with whom she spent a lot of her life and shared good times with. Given that she is in another relationship, that would be healthy. It wasn’t until you raised an alternative scenario in the car that day that I gave it a moment’s consideration. Since then, I have been very conscious about not sending any signals that she could misinterpret as other than old friendship.
I have spoken to her once since WBP and I found myself wanting to get off the phone quickly. I thought about that, and think it might be that I think you might not want me spending time and thoughts on Shirley. That sounds a bit like guilt, doesn’t it? Anyway, it’s something a bit different that may recur from time to time in the future.
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Your following background information about Roland and Annie (Angie?) answered those immediate questions, as did your query about the physical response. I think you should be pleased that I didn’t have one. It doesn’t surprise me.
You said that asking me to help her make decisions about her holiday is indicative of her trust and closeness to me. I think you are right about the trust side of things. I think she does trust me and values my opinions. I don’t think you are right about the closeness aspect. That’s the sort of question she would ask many of her friends, just to get a variety of opinions. I also suspect that I called at an opportune time – just as she was contemplating the excursions. Would she have asked me if she hadn’t been doing that when I rang? I’m not sure. Maybe. She spends a lot of time in her place with a lot of pressure on her to take care of everything and perhaps doesn’t lean on her girlfriends for support as much as she could, or as much as she needs to. That’s understandable. She doesn’t want to burden them. So perhaps this was a ready opportunity to have a conversation with someone who a) can hold an intelligent conversation and whose mind doesn’t wander, and b) isn’t complaining about something to her all the time.
I’d like to pick up on one timeline issue.
“…you have said that only a year ago, after 20 years, you realised it was time to let go if you really loved Shirley…”
That’s not quite what I said. That’s a combination of two things I said, which happened years apart. Maybe 7 or 8 years ago (I think), I realized that if I loved Shirley, I would want her to be happy. She was happy with William, so I should accept that and stop resenting him. Which I did. Not just like that, but in a smooth process over some period.
Back in April of last year, following the P2A seminar, that’s when I realized it was time to let go of my fantasy. Not for the sake of Shirley, but for me. I think that’s a significant difference to what you wrote. ↓
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“I am not feeling good about this. But I don’t think you would want me to delete it.”
You are completely correct; I’m glad you didn’t delete anything you wrote in that email. I’m glad you voiced your uneasiness and your insecurity. It’s a big challenge for me to not fly into Mr. Fixit mode. My immediate reaction was to consider how I could set your mind at ease. Not with words, obviously. Perhaps with actions over time. But that’s not what you’re talking about here, is it? It’s shadow work again, isn’t it? That being so, use me in any way you can, if need be.
Happy and Proud
I hope you don’t feel you come second to Shirley. I fervently wish that if you do, that won’t always be the case.
I wonder how you would feel if you met her? If you would like to meet her? If you would like to be introduced as my friend, my special friend, my partner, or my lover, or light of my life? Have you considered meeting her? Knowing you, almost certainly.
I would be proud and happy to introduce you thus. As I don’t know how she really feels about me, I don’t know how she would feel about that. In any case, that is something we can discuss before she returns from her holiday.
I think I will leave this for now. I may come back to it if other thoughts surface, or if you have further comments or questions, but in the meantime, I’ll move on to your letters to and from your Dad.
You shine a light on my soul and make me bright. You’re amazing.
“You traveled with fam on the cat in the Whitsundays years ago and you were not incommunicado. I was a bit shitty about it” We both know that the “not” is incorrect, don’t we? There was nothing further to mention, you were with family. end of story. I didn’t quite realise then and not until you came to stay that I was not particularly relevant. But, because we were not too close I wasn’t a blubbery mess, just a bit oh well he is a bit autistic, “this is the way it is”. Remember there was not a sniff of emotion coming from you for years, even though you said “I actually reveal a lot to you, Jessica” just read between the lines.” I am not good at that.
“Tim and Joy” well you may not think it curious that Shirl sent that, but I believe it telling.
BUT all of what you write after that line about the two of you seems bizarre in my world, but not upsetting, not jealous making. We can discuss it at some point, no doubt it will arise. But, for now, it’s not an area that I wish to/have time to invest in. I don’t care whether you do or whether you don’t say any more to Shirley about me and it hasnt crossed my mind since WBP about meeting Shirley and prior to that why would I have met her?
It was a very short time ago that you were saying “I am seeing my two most favourite women today, it’s a great day” maybe not those exact words but you do get the gist.
At the end of the day I refuse to ever be apart for this long again.
Please sort in your mind what you do or don’t need to say to Shirley about me spending time with you in GG.
I hadn’t given that any thought. I will do, but probably not until I’m on my way home to Adelaide and probably not a great deal of thought. I’ll make a decision easily enough, just have to think about it. Actually, even as I’m typing I’m giving it thought. So much for thinking later. And I’ve got it sorted. Decision made. How easy was that?;)
Yes, tumas time. At the time of the decision it wasn’t a mistake, but time has shown that it was.
what is tumas time?
What decision? what mistake?
Decision – I will raise the topic with Shirl on the 17th and let her know that you may be staying occasionally. I’d like to say, “will be” but that’s a bit presumptuous of me.
Mistake – arranging to be away for so long.
Yup, pretty presumptuous!
But, hey!, if you play your cards right you never know your luck in a big city ?
Tumas. Pidgin – too much