Coming Out Of The Dark
Day 6An unexpected email set my mind at rest
Started at the witching hour with darkening thoughts and fatigue, mixed with satisfaction that I had finally been able to get the journal online and hope that it would make a difference to Jessica.
Saw in another tab that I had new emails, so thought I’d have a quick check. One from Jessica! My pulse quickens. The subject was My Love. The anxiety sloughed off and I was back in the race. Be still my beating heart. (That’s a line from something) I was too tired to open it, but had learnt what I needed to know.
Amazingly, despite pulling the all-nighter, I didn’t descend into sueño de los muertos – the sleep of the dead. Instead, I lay awake just thinking…nothing. Too tired to think, too tired to feel, barely enough energy to smile. Eventually, though…
My alarm went off 3½ hrs later to give me time to freshen up for some website work with my techie in the Philippines. However, I had woken ahead of time and was already up. I checked my phone: nothing. No calls, no texts. After a few minutes, though, I heard the ping of an incoming SMS. When people say they feel hopeful, I have always thought of that as an expression, but I actually seemed to physically feel a lift of anticipation. I danced around the bed and checked: Vodafone. Sinking. While I was reading that, another ping. Lift. Optus. Sink. Managed to convince myself to do my HIT. Felt crappy at the time, but happy now that I’ve done it.
An all-nighter
The email I needed to see
The sms I needed to see
Climbing back on the horse
Now I’ve got some bounce
I jumped in the shower. Out of the shower and on the way to the laptop, another ping. From Jessica! More lift. A heart! Nothing else. Nothing else required, baby. That’s all I needed to see! Now I’ve got some bounce.
Mid-afternoon, I finally get some time to check gmails and see two notifications that someone’s left comments on JLux. No prizes for guessing who. Suss them out, smile, respond. Make some adjustments to the website that was just cobbled together in a hurry. Then it’s back to Yahoo mail to drink in your mail from last night.
Interrupted by my sister to see if would like a drink. I have the remains of my smoothie from brunch, we share some cheesecake and play a card game. Then it’s dinner time.
Waiting for a hug
Back to the laptop to finish off a client’s site, send it live. Yay. Check emails, re-read last night’s email and read today’s for the first time. I throw a few texts around just to show off. We’re both feeling happier. Amazing turnaround in 24 hours.
I can hear bed calling. Just waiting for a hug to arrive. I love you so much.
I can’t believe I haven’t commented here. My pulse has quickened for five years seeing Tim Ellis in my inbox. I’ve loved our years of correspondence but now I’m getting to see and know a whole deeper side to that Tim Ellis.
I’d never have known this beautiful soft side until you came to live with me and your soft light sometimes shone through that harder stern facade.
I was so touched that you pulled an all nighter to help me feel safe and peaceful and deeply loved.
You are kind to me but we also know it’s part of your shadow too, to hold on so I don’t run and leave you.
Work to be done with our shadows. Xx
Yes there is. I’m so happy to be sharing that journey with you.