Maybe we met again, I don’t remember

I liked your manner, your thinking but neither of us thought we would see each other again, and really that didn’t matter to either of us. We met a few months later at my birthday party; you bought a bottle of Moet – great gift! Then maybe we met again, I don’t actually remember. Along the way, at some point you, you talked about a journal/story you had written about travels and adventures in South America; I only remember something about canoeing, anyway because of this we traded email addresses. You sent it to me; I read a bit but, surprise, surprise, I got distracted, no idea where it is now!!

Why wouldn’t you want to see me? 

And so we emailed, and emailed and emailed. But we didn’t speak on the phone and sometimes you would come to Adelaide but we never saw each other, slightly to my chagrin. We were friends, weren’t we so why wouldn’t you want to see me (rhetorical).  You really helped me frame what I wanted to say in Lighten Up! Your questions broadened and cemented my thinking. Crucial. You would steer my rambles and punctuation and helped me to focus and consider each of my sentences as I wrote. Sadly, funnily, now that we are ‘we”  I have gone back to just letting the words go blaahhh all over the page and ramble away, which, bizarrely you know find endearing. Maybe once your rose coloured glasses get smashed you will get irritated, somehow I doubt that. Love that you love me so much.

Where was I, oh yes, so as I realised the book needed some help to get me and it off the ground we began to talk websites. You did not say that you were newly doing courses in this area, with the possibility of transitioning from flying to being a website builder. You gave me a name of a web builder in Adelaide, I gave her a call, but she wasn’t pleasant. Eventually you ‘fessed up and I thought that was tremendously serendipitous, you organised a contract between us. A split of 40/60 my way which I thought was outrageous, but what did it matter I was going to earn so much cash why not share it!!!!  I remember telling you that somehow I knew that in time I would earn 6 figures, that could still happen, I don’t think either of us predicted we would be here so hey anything can happen!

Sometimes you took days to respond

We talked on the phone about the contract, but when that first call was I am not sure, but it was around that time, I am guessing July 2017. I must say you were pretty slow at getting the site up, but you were working and webbing, and letting me have lots of licence. Holding back. I didn’t know that at the time.

Now, by this stage you were already a friend, a feature in my life, we had similar values. We often agreed on topics, you continually pushed me to expand my thinking, to explain my thinking. Sometimes you took days to respond, I was frequently checking for your emails, though not hourly, as I do now. I liked how your brain worked.

Big changes were coming

So the website was up, and it looked fantastic. There was a time there mid 2018 when we backed off emailing and I wondered whether we had run our course. I was ambivalent. By now, actually from shortly after we began to speak on the phone, we would easily get off track from website convo and talk of other things, usually for a minimum of an hour. You were struggling with a chap at work, you were not happy at work. In January 2019 I asked what you hoped for for the year ahead, and you responded by saying you were not sure what was ahead but that you felt big changes were coming. I can’t find an email that says this. In my memory there was something you said in Oct/Nov that indicated intention to change, I just can’t remember what it was.  But the point is you were sorta in the zone for change. When the time came, you took to change well. Job finished, you packed, you left. You drove. You went to Port Power for the AGM or something like that. The day that followed: Sunday mid-Feb, I don’t think I have a date, do you?

You rang and asked me if I was free for coffee. I had just got home from the market. I suggested you come to visit me at my home. I was really pleased that I was going to see you. My friend. You knocked on the door; I was super pleased to see you and gave you a big hug. We chatted for a few hours. You went off to Gary at Wirrina. I offered our spare room to you, should you need it. A day or two later, when, I suspect, you realised the reception was rubbish at Wirrina, you seemingly sheepishly asked if you could take me up on my offer to come and stay for a week or two… or three or four, weeks turned into months and it was so great.

You became my best friend

We walked, talked, shared meals, you washed up – a lot, you became part of our family, you were respectful, tidy, unobtrusive. You played dribble music at time, often with a smoky romantic feel, which made me uncomfortable. Sometimes you slurped your chai or tea; forgetting to drink it and then drinking it down in several noisy slurps. You watched movies with me and you became my best friend. I smiled when you came home; I liked to see your van had returned home if it wasn’t when I went out. Shadow loved that you looked out for him. You shared chores; you were the other adult in my house. You hung out my washing; I struggled with you hanging out my “smalls!” You ate what we ate, you didn’t eve complain, you were always grateful.

Then it was time for you to leave

I could be me: in pyjamas, unbrushed hair, just awake, nearly asleep, argumentative, challenging, silly, loud, quiet, sleeping on the sofa while you worked, it didn’t really matter, we just worked well together. Then it was time for you to leave and I thought my heart might break. I cried, momentarily. Our gentle rhythm went out of kilter. I missed you dancing in the kitchen, loving my food, unpacking my groceries, doing small thoughtful things for me.

We went to the fringe one weekend; we were still getting to know what it was like being in each other’s company. We had amazing ice cream, you had it because you knew I wanted you to try it and I wanted one too. We watched that Irish comedian, who I watch every year, he reminds me of Gary. He’s silly! Were we a bit nervous? Maybe just unfamiliar.

We betrayed our closeness

You gave me the best gifts on my birthday, very thoughtful. No card, I recall. Water sharpener, Fig twig diffuser (which you changed from the original scent because you discovered which I preferred), maiden hair fern – which I killed but am now on my second plant and now have in my room for very special looking after. When you get home you will see that I have a maiden hair for femineity and a pointy strappy plant for masculinity.

We went out for dinner with Bernadette and Gary to Suree Thai. I really enjoyed that evening, I was a bit mean to Gary and we betrayed our closeness because of the way we interacted and months later they came here for dinner.  We had Judy, Milly and Dave over for dinner one night too. You brought out your dark blue cotton hippy pants; I had not seen you wear anything like that, and a white tank top. You drank a lot!

You moved the boat – what a trip – to Port Adelaide. I was sad you left, but it smacked us to realise what was going on.

You old-fashioned, beautiful man

We had weekend sleepovers, so we could talk and watch movies together. We went for a trip to the McLaren Vale. I wanted to get some wine for Michael who had helped with getting my tree down. We shared lunch, our first lunch “out”, dips and pizza, you paid, you old fashioned beautiful man. You discovered Fiano, you bought a few bottles of Olivers it was so good. We went to Angoves and sat looking at that dashing view, terrible coffee! We dropped in on a gin place; another visit there one day we said. You drove my car very nicely. We both dressed up and we had fun, chat, chat, chatting all the time.

I took umbrage

One weekend my tree dropped another branch. You and Milly were pillars for me. When was that? When you still lived with me? When the roof man came, you told him you were my husband. You were protecting me. I took umbrage. I thought “I am an independent unattached woman; I certainly don’t need a man to step in.”

This week was just you and me

September we met at the alternate site for the Farmers, you now came regularly and we market buddies would have coffee and chat each week. But, true to form, you were always very mindful that this was my Karli time, and you would always excuse yourself with enough time for Karli and me to have “our time”.  I didn’t know how you felt leaving, I always thought work beckoned and that was important to you. However, this week was just you and me. We talked, caught up on each other’s chat. We hugged as we left, we always did, and as you were hugging me with joy in your voice you said “I love you,… but not like that.” I said “I know you do, but what does not like that mean?” you gave a vague answer that I don’t remember. I knew by the way you looked at me that I was important to you.

You were surprising

We drove one day to the movies in Mount Barker, I think we went to see Knives Out the day after we saw that really weird one in the city – the one you chose and then because it was so scary I made you take me out to brunch at Karma and Crow, we had a nice time. You laughed at me as I jumped and held my knees to my chest. We sat in the back row, it was a titchy witchy small cinema, and we were the only ones. You were surprising by not paying full price, it was all on a computer and as I was paying concession you decided you would too. And I thought you were a goody two shoes – you most definitely are not. Anyway, while driving back from Mount Barker you raised a point that I had made in an email which was that if a city-wide catastrophe occurred that I would expect that you would go and look out for Shirley, Bill, and Pop.

I would be keeping you in my corner

Why? You asked. From my view you were really enjoying your connection with Shirley. There was good banter between you, you always beamed when she messaged, and you enjoyed catching up and teasing her when you went for gaths or bbq’s at her place. But, mainly, her partner is losing his strength – his capacity to be a mental equal. This, I thought, would be a burden now for Shirley and you are at the opposite end of the spectrum. Fit mind, fit body, old friend, familiar, trustworthy, thoughtful; extremely competent. If I was Shirley I would be keeping you in my corner for a time that may not be far away when I could come in for a round 2. But, hey, who am I to know. I just know that I do not have this relationship at all with Nick. You were taken aback. I had the impression that you were discombobulated by what I said. You didn’t agree with my take.

Your special friend

In November it was Sasha’s birthday. While sitting outside having dinner – the fam and me – Jemalina asked where you were. I was rather taken surprised by this remark. And asked why she asked. “He is your special friend.” With a tilt of her head and a cheeky little grin; mmm seems the kids are picking up on more than I had.

When we next caught up I raised this. You raised that Gary had said Bernadette asked/presumed there was more than friendship between us. Somehow the conversation between us led to using the word “partners”. We were not partners, you said. I had a triggered response of some sort and went home to compile an email that led to “A considered Reply.” All of which took some time to unfold.

In essence; I loved you as my bestie, you were my choice to hang out with; share with; talk with. But I was happy ours was a special friendship that defied obligation and too much intimacy – sex or physical affection. I wanted to steer away from getting too close for fear of being needy and vulnerable. Also, I didn’t feel sexually connected, though that rarely does happen for me; part of the wall, I think.

I have friends that I love

You on the other hand loved our relationship but didn’t want it to change in case we couldn’t come back to what we already had. I did not think at all that you wanted any more than exactly what we had. Yes I knew you loved me, which was obvious. But love me as your friend, like you love Gary or I love Margot or Lea or Judy. Difference being, for me, that I have friends that I love, just as I loved you, BUT they were not my first choice to spend hours and hours and hours with. They just don’t get me the way you do. And besides all of this you snore, well that’s what Max said.

You shocked me

And you had told me years earlier that another relationship was not of interest to you. As far as I was concerned you did not think of me at all in a sexual way. Not until months later I was showing you Salute to the Sun and you shocked me by saying how sexy I looked during the poses. That was days before WBP. This and that odd remark that went awry at Bridgey about ripping things off my breasts which you assured me was a joke, were the only two give-aways.

I know your plot!

Somewhere in this time line we talked again about Shirley and you told me that a shift had occurred within you as to how you felt about her. Even if it was on the cards you didn’t want to “get back together”. Pretty momentous after years of wishing you wanted to.

We went to some craft fair before Christmas, I bought an ice-cream and then you pretended to buy another, which we both knew was actually for me, but I made you eat it, it was just an opportunity for you to share food with me, eat off the same ice-cream – I know your plot!!   You suss out what I like when we go to these sorts of things. At some point you ask me where I would like to live. Another time we were going to a FFC movie at the Mercury and you wanted to know my taste in jewellery, I thought this odd. We didn’t have the same taste with the glass wear, can’t remember about the jewellery.

Soon it was time for Bridgey. Here there were shifts.

End of part one.