Shooting the breeze

The first weekend I stayed was the only day I swam with you. It wasn’t a flirty occasion, and yes, I felt a bit uncomfortable. I felt much better when we tried to see who could swim the furthest under the water. Glad you wore your rash top! Then we sat with wine at the wicker table and did what we do best, shoot the breeze – an expression that I am sure you use. You love your music and you are not too keen, to say the least, about Christmas music but you were so thoughtful and compromising that you set up a few Spotify Christmas song playlists for me, knowing my love of Christmas music throughout the entirety of December.

I would normally arrive late afternoon, and we would walk the dogs and talk. Maybe it was the second walk when you took me to the edge of the steep rocky descent. Mmm how was I going to get down without falling over or having to hold your hand for assistance? I made it down with scant assistance – just. The next time I chose to go up the rock face that way I could do it unaided. But did you notice that weeks later I went down the face again and this time I reached out for your shoulder for support as I got to the bottom? Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. You sometimes asked me slightly strange questions – “I note that you haven’t had a bath for a few days” – and almost leading questions, the one that stands out the most was asking “where would I like to live, in an ideal world”. The bathing situation had got tricky because I couldn’t shower and get my plaster wet.

I have noticed that if I don’t use the EXACT words that you have used in retelling then you come back to me and say “that’s not quite what I said.”

Seriously, you are usually being particularly pedantic. I know that the words are not exact but the sentiment is there. That said, I love your precision. I guess, if you are going to fly planes you can’t be laissez faire, can you?

Did I mention in First Meet going to The Mercury to see a FFC film and we went into look at the Jam Factory. You said you wanted to know what sort of jewellery I liked. We hardly agreed on any of the glass or pottery wares, but we had fun.

The right place to be

On 21^st December we had the Lobethal fire day with Sasha. I thought refuge in a stone house was far safer than my house. Having Shadow reduced my options on the flat, which is the optimal place to wait out a catastrophic fire day. What a day for those who lived in Lobethal and surrounds. That day changed many lives, including Lea and Toby. Not ours. But it was an interesting day with regard to power; I was interested that you deferred to my knowledge, rather than take control. You trusted what I knew – which in hindsight was not up to date but not many of us knew that information, which became more widely known over the following weeks. No building is safe under catastrophic conditions. However, for me, it felt the rightest place to be; with each other.

When I would come to visit for a day or a few or a weekend either of us would cook, usually you, and usually you were well prepared. First time you cooked you asked me to entertain myself so you were not distracted, after that you asked me to chat with you while you played in the kitchen. I say played because you were able to multi-task – talk and cook and not worry if you did something wrong…it seemed. Initially we ate in the cottage then we migrated to the dining room table in the main house maybe that was after Boxing Day?

You tipped me off balance

Boxing Day transpired because Christmas Day is not a day that you experience as I do. I think you may have been cajoled into having friends over, maybe I even asked those peeps for you, hopefully not. Milly, Ben and Ezra, Gary and Bernie and David and I were your guests. You spent Christmas Day getting organised preparing food; it takes so much longer than one imagines. We all arrived on time and you thought you had about half an hour more prep and cooking to do, lol. We ate at 2.30, but you did a fantastic job: baked snapper (perfect), sweetcorn fritters which you kept saying I had made perfect but all I did was put your mixture in the frying pan! Your chickpea salad, a mango and avo salad and something else, that I now can’t remember (you can insert if you remember).

It was a little stressful; David wanted to chat to you while you were working through instructions on your computer. You did so well with wonderful food. I think it was your first solo entertaining adventure and, true to form, you executed it well – bar the time management! You tipped me a little off balance by asking the group something like what was the common theme between us. Weirdly, the answer was that all of us were single but Bernie and Gary!! To me you were driving – again – the point that you were single and that you did not want a relationship. Capitalising on the Considered Reply of being happy not to advance/alter/risk a change to our “partnership” that, to me, you were saying was not a partnership. WE ARE SINGLE. That’s what I read.

I went home that evening, I don’t remember why. Sasha must have been there because I recollect her in the pool with Ben and Ezra and me. That’s right she skipped lunch because she didn’t want to have to contribute conversation and drove over for a swim later in the day. You talked to Bernie and Gary and David up on the little black wicker table and chairs.

When did we go to Gary and Bernie for dinner when Gary burnt the bbq and Bernie pulled you aside to say how gorgeous I looked – maybe that evening needs to be slotted into First Meet. I remember saying to you that I would ham it up that evening just to confuse them… but didn’t. We drove separately – so I figure you were at Bridgey. Gary cooked. What do you remember about the evening?

I was not in the space to lean on you

I went home to apply salve on Boxing Day eve. You were very keen to “look after me” and asked if I could come over for a week so that you could. I needed to be in my own space, and I was not in the space to lean on you if I was confronted with intense pain or nauseous sensations. From the first application you checked in every single day, and you still do, to know how it is unfolding. I had text, after application, to say that if I died in the night then… and I am not sure what I wrote, but it sure triggered you. Your reply asked me if I had any idea of the devastation you would feel if I died. I apologised, I’d used a thoughtless/exagerated set of words to explain that I was unsure of the path ahead. Your suggested devastation did knock at my skull but friends would miss their friends if they died, and I would leave a hole, I knew that, but not to the degree that you meant.

When did I overtake Gary on the ladder? Do you know the date of that funny email that was written like a news piece?

Dearest Jessica
Your smile lights up a room.
Your spirit lights up my world.

You said it was a rose compass or a rosette compass? 4 yellow roses for friendship 4 red roses for love. These four represented the four points of the compass. The roses were surrounded by a border of white ones representing peace. They were beautiful. The idea was beautiful. You had researched, you had driven to Mount Barker. You have shown so often how thoughtful and kind you are. I am humbled that I am so often the one who is on the receiving end of this kindness. Thank you, my love.

I warned you

Early days after salving I wrote saying that I had been in that half wake half sleep state in the night and wanted to rip off my plaster. You wrote back to say that this was an area where we were in sync, many a time you had wanted to rip something off my breast. My mouth dropped at that one.  I didn’t respond.  When next we met I raised the comment, you realised that I probably hadn’t read the humour. I am literal, sometimes, very often, you forget. As Jack says I am autistic. But in fact it is along the lines of truth telling, something you know I am wed to. That was probably the first of those little remarks that you let slip, probably on purpose. I warned you that if you wanted to play those sorts of games it was on!

In a week or so I was booked into the Sustainability Prosperity Conference in the city. 10-12 Jan, 2020. You booked too. You messaged to let me know. I suggested that we could stay in the city for the weekend. Your text made me giggle, I was being a tease – revenge is sweet they say, banter I would call it. Your text was all a fluster but what about the children aka the dogs. You really couldn’t leave Pepper for the weekend. I had no intention of spending the night in a hotel with you. But for a moment you were in a whirlwind. “Touché” you said. As it was, we almost did spend each night together.

You slid into my timeline seamlessly

On the Monday I had a trial shift at Ecolateral Magill. It went for longer than I thought. I hadn’t eaten by 2.30pm. I had to drive back to Belair to get my walking shoes and sent a message asking you to make me a smoothie before I began work at 3.30. It was ready and perfect when I arrived at Bridgey and you made me a work space. You assured me that you would prepare dinner, was there time for a walk? You slid into my timeline seamlessly. I found a suitable gap and we walked. I worked, you cooked. When it was time for dinner you had laid the table, poured the wine, made a delicious and nutritious meal. Cleared and cleaned and asked what I would like for dessert. By the time I finished work it was movie and dessert/snack time. And there it was all laid out for me. It was this particular evening that struck me. Never could I remember having this act of service bestowed upon me. You danced seamlessly in time with me. You wobbled me. What a juxtaposition.

But Tuesday morning came and it was time for our four days together to come to a close. You suggested we try out that cute little coffee shop you had your eye on by the Bridgewater Mill. I drove and you took Pep and Shadow. We sat outside under the enormous trees for coffee and chai, we shared a croissant or did we have one each? I did suggest a few times it was time to go, but no we just kept talking. “I just wanted to say”…. I left at 1pm.

Things came up for both of us, you began to feel into your body for responses, and talk about them. One evening I had a bath and you sniggered to yourself about rattling and turning the door handle, you thought it would give me a fright and be funny. Until you thought about it; you wondered was it about power? Why would you think that was a good thing to do? It was extraordinary to hear you begin to admit and unpack. To explore. You were making your way through Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav and what a delight it was that you were reading it. A few times you thought you were not capable of a spiritual relationship. I thought you were doing an extraordinary job.

The last blog told of Pepper’s friendship with Shadow. Toward the end Pepper talked about Tim and Jessica sleeping in separate rooms and how odd that was because “Jessica is gorgeous”.  Funnily enough that surprised me.

A couple of times you said you would be mopey or sad when I left but that you would keep yourself busy. We would talk on the phone and you began to say how much you enjoyed hearing my voice. One day, a Friday, we were talking on the phone; I was lying on Sasha’s bed. I had to go, and we rushed to say goodbye, you said so easily and it seemed without realisation “love you” as if you had said it a thousand times. I thought that must be how you finish conversations with your sister, maybe your nieces?

This time was pivotal

We were nearing the end of Bridgey, you were sad, but you were happy. You were coming back to live with me, albeit only for 5 days. Last stop was brunch at The Grocer next door to Coles. The morning my scab dropped off, 18^th Jan we’d been waiting for weeks. I showed you the crater that remained. You steeled yourself but were shocked and gathered me into your arms. I was ok, I’d got used to my breast looking wounded and distorted.

This time at Bridgey was pivotal for us; it really was the time that we found it was being in each other’s space that was what we craved? Aspired to? Steered toward? Not necessarily talking or doing something together but being in close enough proximity to be able to talk if need be.

Saturday, you came home. You flung the door open and said “Come here baby!” Yes, I was happy to have you home too. A couple of very strange things happened: you asked me to show you what Salute to the Sun was in yoga. I showed you. You looked at me with a wry grin saying “that was very sexy” WTF! Later we were in the kitchen. I said “Let’s make lunch.” Between “make” and “lunch” you disappeared down the other side of the kitchen counter. You got stuck on the letter “L”. You thought I was about to say “Love”. “Let’s make Love”. Now, you would think I would realise this had been on or in your mind but no, I just thought it was out of left-field.

I was going to have to dig deep

In all honesty, I knew I had deep work to do. I had talked with close friends for weeks. A man dear to my heart was triggering me. I love myself, I am worthy of receiving love, I truly thought this. But you were confronting me. I was frightened. I also knew that if I was truly to heal myself I was going to have to dig deep; to let down my guard, to allow you to love me as I deserved to be loved, most probably for the first time in my life.